Hai guys! :D
...hmm. Have I done an update blog recently? Just one where I sit and type whatever comes to mind? I'm not sure...I can't remember :,)
Let's just say I haven't so I can say..
"It's been a while!" x,D
I've been having quite a few negative thoughts lately, so I can't really say this blog is going to be very upbeat and happy...I just kinda feel the need to vent somehow so...let's make a blog to publicly announce my deep feelings! That's a good idea! ...tch!
Well, it doesn't matter because I'muh do it anyway!
So recently...I've been contemplating the word "friend." I mean, what is a friend really?
Everyone says a friend is someone who you can have fun with, laugh with, share things with, be yourself with, right? But...why?
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense...but how do you know if you really have a friend? I guess you never do.
This sounds silly because I know I have some really good friends that I can spend my time with and have loads of fun with...but will it last? I mean...
Okay. Think about all the people you've known in your life.
Then think about how many of those people you became friends with.
Now think about how many of those friends you still speak with.
...I bet you can't say all of them, right?
And it's such a horrible feeling. I've met people that I've loved so much as friends. But now I don't even talk to them anymore.
So I always have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me that sooner or later, this person is going to leave me and not want to be my friend anymore.
I think this may be one of the reasons I'm overly-friendly with people I have just met. Because I want them to like me and I want to make a good impression.
But then I may say stuff or do stuff that I think about later and say..
"Okay. What the hell was that?! Why did I say that?"
Then I feel like a complete idiot.
I've done this quite a lot recently and I want to take it back and tell that person I didn't mean it...but then what if they hate me and don't want to speak to me anymore?
That's what I'm afraid of. It's terrifying... ;-;
Things like this as well is even harder with online friendships.
I mean, in a way online is easier because...well, I don't know why. It just feels easier :,) but then I still say stuff that at a later date, I want to take back but I'm scared to because I don't want to lose a friend.
I mean, I've lost a couple of amazing friends I've met over the internet. Both lost for different reasons I don't really want to explain...but it hurts. It really fucking hurts. Like, I used to be so close to these people. Now I don't speak to them.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?!
And this is relating to one of the reasons I lost one of the friends I mentioned above...but internet relationships.
"Yea! Internet relationships can work if both people make the effort!"
"Internet relationships are so romantic!"
"Sure you don't see each other a lot...but that makes the time when you do see each other even more special!"
Excuse me while I laugh. I mean, what a load of CRAP!
They don't work! They just don't.
Friendships work, yes. But not an actual relationship.
I've tried this...a couple of times. And both times have ended in failure.
You'd think I'd fucking learn, right? I mean...here I am now trying to fight off the fact I'm starting to like someone again I know over the internet but I just can't let myself feel that way because if I lost this person as a friend...I don't know what I'd do!
It's hard and beyond complicated to feel this way. And I'm tired of it. But at the same time, you're thinking..
"This person could like me, right?"
No. NO! Because they just couldn't. And I know that distance is just a number...but it would come at a price if it didn't work; a friend.
I hate this. I'm really trying so hard but it's that little thing in the back of your mind that keeps you hanging on to the tiniest bit of hope that it could work.
And all this had made me feel so unmotivated lately. I can't do anything...I can't write. I haven't done coursework in a while because I'm feeling like this.
I kind of want to talk to someone about this...but at the same time I don't.
I'm tired of the internet life.
It keeps me so sheltered.
But at the same time...it's what I've become accustomed to so I don't want to lose it.
Also something else that frightens me.
I'm 20 years old; 21 in November.
I'm in the decade of my life that I've said I want to get married and have children.
I've always said I want to get married at 25, have my first child at 27 and have my second child at 29.
And because of this sheltered life I live...is that really going to happen?
I've never had a boyfriend before...but that doesn't bother me. No matter how weird people think it is and their stupid reactions when they find out.
I've always wanted to date someone I feel comfortable with and can talk to about things, but...oh wait! I only know these guys...ON-freaking-LINE!
...let's not go too into that though because that'll give things away :,)
I'm just tired of these thoughts and I want them to go away but...I have a feeling they're here to stay for a long time.
...yaaay! .....
It's pretty dumb to think that when you were younger, you'd think you'd meet someone, fall in love and get married. And that would be it, right?
But now that you're older...you know it's so much more complicated than that.
And even though I know that, I'm still so naive about loads of other things.
Like the fact I wish all my internet friends lived closer to me so I could see them as much as I want. So things wouldn't be so...complicated...
But, of course...it wouldn't be life if everything was that easy.
WHY do we as human beings strive for happiness? Why do we want to be happy when we all know that, in the end...we're going to die. Fall into a never-ending oblivion and not remember anything ;-;
Now that...that is terrifying!
And I feel like when I know that...why even bother? Why even bother to be upset over things? Why even try to make things happen? When we all know that, sooner or later...we'll just disappear...
*cough* wow...I had no idea I could write a blog this depressing.
I'm sorry if, you who is reading this, now also feels depressed.
I promise the next time I'm here, I'll be my usual happy self! ...usual...
Yea! Anyway! :3
Erm...thank you for reading, I guess. Because...this blog is poop! XD
GOOODBYESIES~!
xoxo~
No comments:
Post a Comment