The inner workings of my mind . . .

Hai guys! :D
...hmm. Have I done an update blog recently? Just one where I sit and type whatever comes to mind? I'm not sure...I can't remember :,)
Let's just say I haven't so I can say..
 "It's been a while!" x,D

I've been having quite a few negative thoughts lately, so I can't really say this blog is going to be very upbeat and happy...I just kinda feel the need to vent somehow so...let's make a blog to publicly announce my deep feelings! That's a good idea! ...tch!
Well, it doesn't matter because I'muh do it anyway!

So recently...I've been contemplating the word "friend." I mean, what is a friend really?
Everyone says a friend is someone who you can have fun with, laugh with, share things with, be yourself with, right? But...why?
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense...but how do you know if you really have a friend? I guess you never do.
This sounds silly because I know I have some really good friends that I can spend my time with and have loads of fun with...but will it last? I mean...
Okay. Think about all the people you've known in your life.
Then think about how many of those people you became friends with.
Now think about how many of those friends you still speak with.
...I bet you can't say all of them, right?
And it's such a horrible feeling. I've met people that I've loved so much as friends. But now I don't even talk to them anymore.
So I always have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me that sooner or later, this person is going to leave me and not want to be my friend anymore.
I think this may be one of the reasons I'm overly-friendly with people I have just met. Because I want them to like me and I want to make a good impression.
But then I may say stuff or do stuff that I think about later and say..
 "Okay. What the hell was that?! Why did I say that?"
Then I feel like a complete idiot.
I've done this quite a lot recently and I want to take it back and tell that person I didn't mean it...but then what if they hate me and don't want to speak to me anymore?
That's what I'm afraid of. It's terrifying... ;-;

Things like this as well is even harder with online friendships.
I mean, in a way online is easier because...well, I don't know why. It just feels easier :,) but then I still say stuff that at a later date, I want to take back but I'm scared to because I don't want to lose a friend.
I mean, I've lost a couple of amazing friends I've met over the internet. Both lost for different reasons I don't really want to explain...but it hurts. It really fucking hurts. Like, I used to be so close to these people. Now I don't speak to them.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?!
And this is relating to one of the reasons I lost one of the friends I mentioned above...but internet relationships.

 "Yea! Internet relationships can work if both people make the effort!"

 "Internet relationships are so romantic!"

 "Sure you don't see each other a lot...but that makes the time when you do see each other even more special!"

Excuse me while I laugh. I mean, what a load of CRAP!
They don't work! They just don't.
Friendships work, yes. But not an actual relationship.
I've tried this...a couple of times. And both times have ended in failure.
You'd think I'd fucking learn, right? I mean...here I am now trying to fight off the fact I'm starting to like someone again I know over the internet but I just can't let myself feel that way because if I lost this person as a friend...I don't know what I'd do!
It's hard and beyond complicated to feel this way. And I'm tired of it. But at the same time, you're thinking..
 "This person could like me, right?"
No. NO! Because they just couldn't. And I know that distance is just a number...but it would come at a price if it didn't work; a friend.
I hate this. I'm really trying so hard but it's that little thing in the back of your mind that keeps you hanging on to the tiniest bit of hope that it could work.

And all this had made me feel so unmotivated lately. I can't do anything...I can't write. I haven't done coursework in a while because I'm feeling like this.
I kind of want to talk to someone about this...but at the same time I don't.

I'm tired of the internet life.
It keeps me so sheltered.
But at the same time...it's what I've become accustomed to so I don't want to lose it.

Also something else that frightens me.
I'm 20 years old; 21 in November.
I'm in the decade of my life that I've said I want to get married and have children.
I've always said I want to get married at 25, have my first child at 27 and have my second child at 29.
And because of this sheltered life I live...is that really going to happen?
I've never had a boyfriend before...but that doesn't bother me. No matter how weird people think it is and their stupid reactions when they find out.
I've always wanted to date someone I feel comfortable with and can talk to about things, but...oh wait! I only know these guys...ON-freaking-LINE!
...let's not go too into that though because that'll give things away :,)

I'm just tired of these thoughts and I want them to go away but...I have a feeling they're here to stay for a long time.
...yaaay! .....
It's pretty dumb to think that when you were younger, you'd think you'd meet someone, fall in love and get married. And that would be it, right?
But now that you're older...you know it's so much more complicated than that.
And even though I know that, I'm still so naive about loads of other things.
Like the fact I wish all my internet friends lived closer to me so I could see them as much as I want. So things wouldn't be so...complicated...
But, of course...it wouldn't be life if everything was that easy.
WHY do we as human beings strive for happiness? Why do we want to be happy when we all know that, in the end...we're going to die. Fall into a never-ending oblivion and not remember anything ;-;
Now that...that is terrifying!
And I feel like when I know that...why even bother? Why even bother to be upset over things? Why even try to make things happen? When we all know that, sooner or later...we'll just disappear...

*cough* wow...I had no idea I could write a blog this depressing.
I'm sorry if, you who is reading this, now also feels depressed.

I promise the next time I'm here, I'll be my usual happy self! ...usual...
Yea! Anyway! :3

Erm...thank you for reading, I guess. Because...this blog is poop! XD

GOOODBYESIES~!
                                   xoxo~

The Wind Rises Film Review~

The Farewell Masterpiece from Hayao Miyazaki;

 The Wind Rises

--SPOLIER WARNING; the plot of the film, character backgrounds and character conclusions are completely discussed--

The Wind Rises is a historical drama film that was written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki.

This film is an adaptation of Hayao Miyazaki's own manga with the same name that was serialised in a magazine known as Model Graphix in 2009.

The Wind Rises is a fictional biography of Jiro Horikoshi (1903-1982) who was the designer of the Mitsubishi A5M and the Mitsubishi A6M Zero; both fighter planes that were used during World War II. 

What some of you might not know is that Hayao Miyazaki's manga, The Wind Rises, was actually loosely based off of a short story written by Tatsuo Hori titled The Wind Has Risen.

Hayao Miyazaki had planned to leave The Wind Rises just as a manga and wanted, instead of making it into a film, produce a sequel to another well loved Studio Ghibli film, Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea! Which I have to admit...I would have really loved to see.. :3

His idea for that was halted when he was approached by Producer Toshio Suzuki who convinced Hayao Miyazaki to make The Wind Rises into a feature film.

And I have to say, it was a truly incredible idea!

While a sequel to Ponyo would have been very exciting...making The Wind Rises into a film was definitely the right way to go! I can't imagine a more fantastic film being a farewell from the legendary Hayao Miyazaki.

With the production of the film briefly covered, let's take a look at the plot of the film itself.

The film begins in Japan 1918 when Jiro Horikoshi is just a young boy who dreams of becoming a fighter pilot, but because of his bad eyesight...he cannot pursue that dream.

He begins reading aviation magazines and after that, meets the famous Italian aircraft designer Giovanni Battista Caproni (AKA Caproni) who tells Jiro that building planes is much more satisfying than flying them. This then starts Jiro on his dream to becoming a aircraft designer himself.

I will say that quite a lot of this film is lived through the imagination of Jiro which is such a unique idea! The scenes involving Caproni are always in a dreamlike state; a friendship and respect through time and space.

It's soon five years later and Jiro is travelling to Tokyo so he can study engineering at University. While on the train he is travelling on, he meets a girl named Naoko who is travelling with her maid. She catches his hat when it gets blown off his head by the wind. Soon after that encounter, the Great Kanto Earthquake of 1923 strikes (which I must add is, without a doubt, one of the most incredibly animated moments in Studio Ghibli history! It lasts for mere seconds, but it's such a powerful scene! I was watching in sheer astonishment!) and Naoko's maid hurts her leg. Jiro assists them and manages to return them both safely to Naoko's home, but he leaves without telling any of them his name.

After that, Jiro begins work at the the aircraft manufacturer Mitsubishi and is placed in the fighter design team where he begins working on his first assignment. Later on, he is sent to Germany with other men from Mitsubishi to carry out research on various planes and how they're built and also to obtain a production license for a Junkers (Junkers being a German aircraft manufacturer) aircraft.

While in Germany, he revisits Caproni in his dreams again where they discuss more with each other. Caproni turns to Jiro and asks him..
 "Do you prefer a world with pyramids, or with no pyramids?"
Caproni states that he believes strongly in the fact that even if mankind puts planes towards ugly purposes like war, he still feels the world is better with their beauty.
Now in 1932, Jiro gets promoted to chief designer for a fighter plane. Sadly though, this ends in failure during it's flight test when it's tail broke up. Luckily the pilot testing the plane escapes the crash by using his parachute. Disappointed with the outcome of this, Jiro travels to a summer resort where he meets Naoko again (if you recall, she is the girl he met during the Great Kanto Earthquake in 1923). After spending time getting to know each other, they decide to get engaged (insert sound effect of an audience saying "Awwwwwh~"). Later, it is revealed that Naoko has the disease known as Tuberculosis and refuses to marry Jiro until she fully recovers. For those of you who might not know, Tuberculosis is a serious lung infection that, in most cases, is incurable as it can later spread to other parts of the body.
A German visitor, Hans Castorp, who was privately critical of the Nazi regime helps the romance between the two before fleeing to avoid arrest by the Japanese authorities. Later on, Naoko suffers a lung haemorrhage (acute bleeding from the lungs) which seriously worries Jiro.  Now wanted in connection to Hans Castorp, Jiro hides out at his supervisors house to avoid his own arrest so he can continue working on his new project. Naoko is now at an alpine sanatorium trying to recover from her illness, but she can't bare to be so far away from Jiro. So with this, she leaves the sanatorium and when back with Jiro, they hold a traditional marriage at the home of Jiro's supervisor. Although happy for him, Jiro's sister, Kayo, warns him that his marriage will end badly as Naoko's Tuberculosis is incurable (Jiro's sister is a doctor, so that's how she knows). As the film progresses, Naoko's health starts to noticeably worsen, but her and Jiro enjoy the time they spend together.
Jiro leaves to test flight his new plane, the Mitsubishi A5M while Naoko who now senses that her death is approaching, leaves to return to the sanatorium. But before her departure, leaves letters for her friends, family and Jiro. Back at the flight test, everything goes very well and Jiro's plane turns out to be a success! But he is distracted from the success by a huge gust of wind that implies that Naoko has sadly passed away.. *cries* ;-;
World War II now upon Japan, Jiro visits Caproni in another dream and confesses how he regrets that is planes were used in the war, but Caproni kindly comforts him and explains that Jiro's dream of wanting to create beautiful aircraft was still realised. A group of Zeros fly by and all the pilots salute Jiro and then afterwards, Naoko appears before Jiro and tells him to live his life to the fullest thus ending the film.
<3


With the plot of the film now finished, I'm going to take a look at the characters that feature in the film :)

First of all, we have the main character;
Jiro Horikoshi.

Next we have...

Giovanni Battista Caproni (Caproni).

And finally we have...

Naoko Satomi.